I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
