Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
