I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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