My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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