I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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