I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
