I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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