you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
