Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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