I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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