In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
