I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
why do cheetos always look like penises
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
