Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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