guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
