Can Purell be used as lube?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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