I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
ugly people sure do ruin things
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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