Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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