I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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