I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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