I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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