He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
