who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
