he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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