how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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