guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
