dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
