I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
