Can i not drive my cunt home
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
