just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
