So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I am one with the molecules
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
