Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
