Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
