so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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