you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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