Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
