pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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