Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
