If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
