I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
