Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
