I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
