Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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