Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
