i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
