I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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