A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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