Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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