I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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