i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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