I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
