You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
