I met the friendliest cop last night
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
