i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
