I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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