I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
