You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You pole danced in your parka.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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