So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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