It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
