gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize