I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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