She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
