i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
from now on my penis is your penis
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
